"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> hole in the wall
Friday, July 25, 2003
i'm so fuckin pissed off.
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Tuesday, July 22, 2003
my eyes have been glued to the glare of the screen since sunup. i've just finished another e-book, one that i started just today. does monitor exposure really damage eyeballs? at least i thought i'd be sleepy now, but alas, i feel infused with jolting caffeine.

must be the raging rain outside. i hardly feel at ease when it's pouring this hard. memories of wading through floodwater as high as my chest doesn't really do wonders for mind-easing.

i know i must rest now, i think i'm well enough to attend classes early tomorrow. but i'm restless, and troubled, and anxious. should i lie in bed and wait for the peace and turbulence of sleep, i'd wake in worse condition.

so i surf and surf the web of pulses netted across the sky. were that i could ride the pounding waves and gushes to distant, sighing shore.

SONG:Enya - I May Not Awaken
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Monday, July 21, 2003
i think the previous post (the one full of quizillas) wasn't loading right on other PC's. prolly coz of the low-end resolution you guys have. i'm making my blogs on a 1024x768 screen. no wonder everything's so sized up when i open it on 800x600.
pinned at 11:21 | 0 comments
Thursday, July 17, 2003
it feels much like that time in 2nd year high, when i had found a rather anonymous greeting card waiting for me on my desk. i lapsed from staring at it incredulously to eyeing everyone in the room suspiciously. the card had this flowery design on front, if i can remember correctly, was sealed with scotch tape on all sides, and featured only my name on it, handwritten.

i was seeing through paranoia-filmed eyes, thinking, no doubt, someone's pulling a prank on me. i was imagining everybody looking at me in varying degrees of mirth, from half-silent sniggers to full-blown guffaws. at the same time, my mind was spinning with trying to work out whose idea this was, along with a feasible course of action to minimize embarrassment and lash back in subtlety. add to that the downright frightening possibility that it came from our nose-picking, homo classmate. *shivers*

but nothing confounded my thoughts more than thinking, what if this wasn't a prank at all? god knows i had a lot of crushes in our class. worse, i was a stupid, romantic, but clueless, dolt. i was swimming in glee in wondering which pretty girl was about to bare open her heart for me, and let me bask in her absolute worship for my utterly charismatic person. yep, ego trips, wishful thinking, plus megalomaniacal daydreaming, all in one.

those thoughts i hated the most. there was nothing that can pull my depression lever harder and faster than foolishly raising my hopes up. argh. i hated each and every moment i had of failing my own expectations and hopefulness. it's like scratching a festering eczema infection with steel wool laced in alcohol and burning oil.

so you can probably imagine my mood today. while still dizzy from motion sickness on a bus ride home, i received this sms from an anonymous person who knew me by name, claiming to be my classmate, and candidly mentioning she had a crush on me. of course, involuntarily my mind was frantic, picking one name from a long (a necessary exaggeration) list of possibilities and weighing them one by one.

as i had innumerable crushes still, i could hardly stop myself from playing out individual scenarios in my mind: me, asking her who she was, her, answering and confessing in one breath, then we make an impromptu meeting, and end the day as lovers. that went on for the remainder of my one-hour trip, with a different girl each time, and with more elaborate dialogues and romantic interludes.

of course, i just assumed that it was a she. and that i find her appealing (not just attractive, mind). i had to keep fighting my daydreaming, in case i was being the butt of another goodtiming joke.

i still haven't found out her name yet. she still hasn't replied. hopefully, it is at least a she. or better, that when i wake up tomorrow, i've completely forgotten the incident.

i loathe the seductive promise of false hope.
pinned at 18:08 | 0 comments
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
saw this one off zein's blog. what can i say? i'm goood.

James Potter. Prongs
James Potter. Prongs!

What Marauder are you? Brought to you by Polaris!
brought to you by Quizilla
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Monday, July 14, 2003
i've decided to share some images i took of my past.. er.. shall we say, flings? ah well, i apologize for my probable lack of taste, but it can't be helped when my charms seem to have captivated a thoroughly helpless girl. i usually try and lie low when in near proximity of women, so that they don't get accidently snared, but i guess at times i kinda slip.

notice that there are only a few (i have been considerate), and that they are only links. i didn't want to mess up my page in your eyes in case you find them, um, unattractive. i only mean to show my previous boring so-called love-life for you to better understand any other mewlings i might have concerning such icky, fickle terms like "romance," or "girlfriend," or, ugh, "soulmate."

on to it then!

Lolit: we were neighbors once. she used to come over and we'd play housey-housey for hours. here's one of our later games, where she got a bit carried away. "i couldn't hold myself back anymore!", she later apologized.

Hilda: met her on a trip to hidden valley in laguna. she insisted on hanging around, and as she was probably the most decent looking girl from a throng of mediocre ones lined up to get a chance at me, i said yes. notice my backside on the pic, as it hadn't been fully developed yet then.

Emelita: she's quite maarte in some ways, though that's probably just from her wealthy background. at one point she offered eloping and a dowry, but i adamantly refused.

Chichay: she was referred to me by a friend, asking if i could teach her basic tagalog, as i could speak better english than most of her other friends. well, i taught her more than language lessons, ifuknowhatimean.

Alice: i tutored her then in calculus, so we spent a lot of late nights in her dorm studying. she wasn't at all bright, but i endured it. i think i wasn't much help to her at all, coz after the first couple of weeks she was turning all her attention to me, and abandoned studying altogether.

Kuring (Criselda): she was cute for a while but then the steady stream of letters and love notes got tiring and annoying. so i dumped her. a week later she sent me this pic to make me jealous enough to come back to her. sorry, Kring, that doesn't work with me.

Cindy: you can tell from her pic that she was by far the most interesting gal i've yet met. yes, it was fun times with her. all the haunting sprees we went on together were a blast, and just the thrill of being near her was so exhilirating, it gets me worked up for some serious gymnastics. we even caught some on live video. anyway, i had to end it coz i started to notice that she got loonier everyday, talking to me of experiments, and deadhead prejudice and world domination etc. so i threw her into a dried up well and put the lid on. i hear lately that she's been up and about, though.

well, that concludes this little graphic foray into my lonesome, tragic-filled past. you should be able to understand why i am less quixotic in my escapades these days, less adventurous. i've do-- hey, who's that little girl-- ahkk!

pinned at 05:01 | 0 comments
Sunday, July 13, 2003
my high school batchmates will be having a little reunion this coming week. i had thought that the get-together was only for a particular barkada, but when i checked back on the groups' posts at yahoo, it seems the invitation to come was open for anyone in the batch.

i could come, i thought. it should be nice to see those other guys again and ask 'em wut up? but then again, i wasn't any bit popular among them. i'd be surprised if even half of those 200+ now-alumni can still remember me. i wasn't strictly a nobody either. it'll probably depend on my friends whether i/we go or not.

on the other hand, i shouldn't come. all those other guys have either graduated already or at least have only a few remaining semesters left to finish. they'd probably have jobs too, or handling their own businesses or whatnot, and look where i am! still nowhere near graduating, and have no good excuse for it. and i've transferred from a respected state university to a ridicule-poked-at commercial one. almost everybody from high school that i meet again ask "why?" "how come?" and i'm tired of explaining the story.

in other words, i'd just probably annoy myself just by being there. maybe if somebody was sponsoring all the expenses..

hmm.. have to ask someone in the group bout that.

i don't want to go to a reunion without bringing something to brag about. i wouldn't be able to stand it if i'm bragged to either.

maybe we'll spend that dinner reminscing about high school, those good old days, where every conversation piece starts with, "remember that time when we [insert oh-so-fun-filled event here]," or "remember when you [insert irritatingly embarrassing moment here]," or "remember when they [insert scandalous/intriguing/controversial story/gossip here]." then they'd be filling in each other on how each other person's love life had gone. ugh.

apart from having so few happy moments, lots of embarrassing ones, and being ignorant of any controversies back then, the one semblance of a romance i had is not something i wish to recall.

i'm probably sitting this one out. maybe if i had become a wealthy young professional or a gorgeous popular celebrity, i'd already be making plans on coming. hmm. prolly not then, anyway: i wouldn't be wanting to expose my important, imperious, ass-backwards self needlessly.
pinned at 20:34 | 0 comments
Friday, July 11, 2003
jeez. it's really embarrassing being corrected with my spelling (privelege --> should be privilege). to think that they put me in charge of a paper. gaah.

anyway, thanks neysa.
pinned at 10:29 | 0 comments
Thursday, July 10, 2003
i almost feel pity for my staff. being editor-in-chief of our campus paper has certainly borne down on me. i'm not getting any work done. and it's not that there's too much piled up, though there's a lot piled up. i just can't get on to doing them.

i'm tired of it. it wasn't a result of being too pressured or stressed out. there just wasn't that much drive in me to do it in the first place. granted, i was full of enthusiasm when i had been appointed and given the job. the freedom and privilege, and financial backing, to print tangible material under my design and supervision was absolutely great. to say i got full scholarship out of it was just a bonus, though a huge one. but those early sparks have died down, and now i'm just stuck with a burden that i can't delegate to another.

i know i haven't heard anyone in the group say that i don't deserve being Chief, or that it's thoroughly unfair that i get free tuition along with the right to boss them around. they'd be more than right.

i gotta find me something to push myself once more, to ignite in me the drive to work, and make things happen. i've been lacking in interest at doing practically anything for months now, and i havta find fuel soon, else i'll be going nowhere. i shouldn't just be sitting round here in the house bum squat on my chair surfing and taking occasional trips to the fridge to get coffee crumble ice cream or chocolate kisses--

mmm. ice cream. gonna get me some.

SONG: Audioslave - Gasoline
pinned at 20:42 | 0 comments
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
it's awful hard not to be envious of him. he's good-looking, suave, and, a band member. lead guitarist, in fact. i hear that almost always equals chix everyday, any night. and it does.

i'm not really privy on how many or how frequently he chalks up another mark. but just recently, he flew to Cebu to meet a gurl.. and the gurl paid the ticket. or so i hear. and when he came back, he showed us her pic. man oh man. he even regaled us with bits like, "grabe to pre, amputi! kahit singit! mmMMm!" lucky git!

and that was when he was officially with a girlfriend who was in Japan at that time. if memory serves me right, that was a current mayor's daughter.. she's back in the house, having slept here for weeks, some months back. prolly straight from the airport. i think they're married. i'm not sure, he doesn't tell me anything.

nor do i care. i hate his guts.

can't exactly recall what actually incited it. some incident involving his trashing of a particular fave junk food of mine way back when i was little, i think. i don't wanna include the other myriad instances and details here, it'll ruin my already downtrodden day. but the streak went on and still has never abated. consider its magnitude by the fact that we never spoke more than two syllables at a time to each other. that has been recently breached coz we're the only ones left in the house now. it's kinda hard to ask for your weekly baon with just two syllables. (though "baon ko?" might work. hmm.)

now i'm not sure: does/did my envy fuel this hate? or does hating him breed more spiteful feelings in me?

hell, it really doesn't matter. i hate him, that's that.

this is probably enough. i've been typing this up on his laptop for about an hour now.

SONG: Korn - Thoughtless
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Tuesday, July 08, 2003
i've always wondered incredulously why people/men/pinoys love to drink and drink and drink. imean, they do it for the sake of inuman. sure, there's the bonding and the gossip etc. (plus the chance to dizzy up some gurls for later taking. ahem), but really, when people want to get together to drink, there's most probably no other reason than just to share the alcohol with someone else (barring depression, break-ups, and gurl-dizzy-upping).

there was only contempt in me whenever my relatives/friends invite each other for a round. and i vowed to myself never to drink (willingly), ever.

i said was, coz that was back then, just over a year ago. now i found myself taking up any excuse for some toasts and tagays. there's just no comparing the joy-inducing warmth ginpom spreads in my body, elevating my senses, enervating my awareness. no comparing, except with cuervo and chivas, that is.

yet still i don't know just what makes inuman so enticing. so hindi nakakasawa.

till i do, bottoms up!

SONG: The Libertines - I Get Along
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